Communication and information scientist Judith Peters visited her father's grave six years after his death. A ray of sunshine fell right on her father’s grave. “It made it easier for me to bear the loss of my father, because it made death a little less final,” said Peters.
Her experience inspired Peters to start the Verhalen van Verlies (Stories of Loss) project, supervised by Enny Das, Professor of Communication and Persuasion. “Many people process the loss of a loved one by creating a story about how that loved one lives on in a certain way,” says Das. Inexplicable elements or natural phenomena such as a sunbeam or a butterfly that alights on the grave, can give the feeling that someone is still there. “We call this symbolic immortality. Someone is no longer physically present, but the bond remains.”
Peters studied the content of those stories and how they effect people. When Peters herself became ill, she had to stop her PhD study, but she did publish a popular science book, the proceeds of which are used for further research. Das used the findings from the project to write a scientific article.
Normal experience
In the article she describes two studies into the role of unexplained elements in mourning stories. “People who had experienced severe grief themselves indicated that they could identify more with grief stories if they contained unexplained elements.” In a second study, Das investigated why mourning stories have this effect. “The inexplicable elements trigger emotion and a sense of connection. It is striking that people who had not suffered a severe loss were especially triggered.”
These results contribute to a shifting picture about grief. “Scientists at first thought that it was unhealthy to dwell on the deceased, that this indicated a failure to accept the loss. But we see it as very normal if people continue to feel connected to a deceased person.”
Enhanced appreciation of life
According to Das, the prevailing view that mourning should not last too long is characteristic of how we try to suppress the idea of death in the West. “We talk about death in veiled terms and we prefer to place the dead in remote places. For the past two years, the coronavirus has made a big dent in our idea of immortality. Yet we still talk about the usefulness of face masks or the choices of our coalition government instead of talking about death and accepting that it is an inevitable part of life."
We used to have religion as a foothold, says Das. “Today we still need rituals, but the vision of this need is still inadequate as far as I'm concerned. People have a big funeral, turn it into an event with music, and pretend that death is something beautiful or inspiring. Decorating death is the same as denying death.”
Das recently investigated the reactions of visitors to an experimental art installation that invited them to reflect on their own death. “By thinking about it, people reported that they added value to their lives in the period after the study. I would like for people to live more fully by dealing with death less cautiously and fearfully.” Moreover, a more flexible approach to death takes the sting out of polarising issues in society. “We cling to world views in which we are in conflict with each other. Death can put things into perspective and help people connect.”
Tip: Ze kwamen nog één keer terug (They returned one last time) by Judith Peters can be purchased here . The proceeds will go to the Radboud Fund to enable follow-up research.
Photo: Dan Freeman via Unsplash